My Dark Night of the Soul

I haven’t always known how to handle stress. In fact, my lack of tools to handle stress almost cost me my life. Overcoming this horribly low point in my life is why I’m so passionate about what I do now.

I know in my heart, the information I share can save lives.

When I was 26 years-old I had my “dark night of the soul.” It’s what caused me to change careers, from atheist science teacher to energy healer, and launched me into what I do now.

For reference, a “dark night of the soul” is a series of days and nights of desperation. A time where you don’t know what to do because all your old ways of being aren’t working anymore. Often it’s when you’ve lost all faith and realize all you have left is to pray to a higher power---whether you believe in one or not. A dark night of the soul usually catapults the person into a self-healing journey that results in major life changes, which often includes becoming a healer of some kind.

Here's my dark night story. This may be triggering for some, so please read at your own discretion.

At 26 years old, I had had enough of life. I stood on the curb on 5th Ave in NYC and contemplated taking my life. As the buses whizzed by that night, their passing lights seemed to lull me into thinking I could just give up.

I stood there on the curb and reviewed my life. I had “checked the boxes.” I was accomplished, earning my undergraduate and Masters degrees. I was a loving, kind, forgiving, compassionate and understanding and I always seemed to do the “right” thing.  

None of it seemed to matter.

I was in the perfect storm. I was depleted mentally, physically and emotionally from living in NYC for 4 years and working in extremely tough schools. In a blink of an eye, it seemed I had lost everything. My 4 year romantic relationship ended leaving me homeless, I lost my job because I couldn’t withstand working for my Principal another year because she was astonishingly horrible a being a leader, and my health was rapidly declining from all the stress. My nervous system was fried and so was my body.

I was stuck.

I wondered; how could this be? I was resilient. I had been through worse times. I survived a broken back that rocked my world and ruined my soccer career, successfully came out of the closet, and gracefully dealt with my life-long battle with chronic illness. 

I felt alone and confused and the old adage that had previously governed my belief system that “good things happen to good people” was quickly fading from my mind. I had lost sight of myself and that angered me. 

In fact, I was a shell of my former positive, happy-go-lucky self.

I couldn’t believe it. I had worked really hard to get the certificates and degrees to work in NYC. I even sacrificed my life to educate students who had parole officers, weapons and drugs, only to be left with the feeling like I couldn’t stand to live in NYC another second.

For the first time in my life I didn’t have it in me to keep giving and I truly didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t giving. I thought, where would I live? How would I survive? Did I even have a purpose anymore?!

As I stood there on 5th Avenue, I thought, maybe next life-time it’ll be better. Maybe I’ll get it right… or maybe I won’t. In that moment, I actually became more scared of death than living, and I realized that I believed in reincarnation and possibly a God.

I decided to walk home and make some major changes.

I decided to clean up my mind and body. I needed clarity. Major clarity. I stopped drinking alcohol because it was an escape from reality and went back to working out every day. I started filling my body with healthy foods and life-giving nutrients. I traveled a lot and temporarily moved to my parent’s house until I could find a new place to live. I got a new job, that was outside the school system, and I loved it. It gave me time in the morning to meditate and work out. My nervous system started to calm down and the old Amy was returning.

As bad as my life was on that dark night of the soul, just 6 months later I had done a 180. I was happier, healthier, had met the person I would spend the rest of my life with, and my “gifts” were starting to open up.

The important life lesson I learned was: The more I focused on my inner game, the more I could give of myself. I now have made it a habit to “put my oxygen mask on first.”

I’ve also made it my life’s mission to support people on their journey to becoming happier and healthier. I know first hand how hard it is to be resilient in hard times and I want to be there to offer tools and information to make life easier. I didn’t make all these changes over night. It was a slow process of learning from experts in all areas of health and wellness.

13 years later, I couldn’t be more grateful for that wake up call. While it was a dark time, I believe you cannot appreciate the light without the darkness and that night changed everything. I’m so glad that it did, because the transformations I see in people, and even in myself, leave me in awe most days.

To your health and wellness,

Amy